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SPRING 2006

Employee Name
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Employee Name
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May 2006
 
We left treatment April 5th. We came to my friends house and have been living in his living room since. About two or three days my three year old son, exhausted and ready for bed, curled up in my lap and sighed. I asked him what was wrong and he told me, "I want to go home, mommy. I'm tired." I told him we are going to stay 'here' for awhile. He said, "No mommy, I do not like it here. I want to go home." My heart shattered as I thought deeply about what I was going to say next. I told him that we didn't have a home anymore. That we no longer lived in that house. We are going to stay here for a little bit. We are going to find a "New Home" just for us. A home where we didn't live with a dozen wacky women or in a friends living room or in a tiny apartment that we can't afford. Mommy is going to find a new home just for us.

Khalil, being too smart for his own good, has told me every single day that he wants to go to his new home now. Sometimes I catch him playing on the computer and I ask him, "What are you doing?". Without even looking up he responds, "I'm looking for a new home.". Hearing this day after day, just breaks my heart. I keep telling him we are almost there. We will have one soon. Everything will be okay. But will it? How much patience to I have to test? How much faith do I put into my prayers? What is that key ingredient that holds stability in life?

As long as I stay strong and keep a smile on Khalil's face, I feel like we will be okay. I didn't think it showed so much, but all the people that know me can look at me and know to ask, "Are you okay? No, really, are you okay?" My face can't help but express the broken hopeless heart that I feel I have.

May 2006
 
Sitting back, I can finally breathe. I had to realize, through trial and error, that I am taking on more than I can handle. As a single mother, I only feel like I am doing all I can for my family, when I literally am doing all I can. I was able to stall the county to keep Khalil's school funded, find a day job & an evening job, a few cheap babysitters, memorize the bus schedules, run errands & cross a few things of my two page 'To-Do" list. Finally having everything in place and ready to start... the very expected happened... I am unable to start the day job because I can not get everything going in the morning. I manage to pick up a few waitress shifts just to break even by the end of the night with the babysitter. Without working, Khalil doesn't get to go to school. I thought I had it all figured out. I still managed to get over to my volunteer job and put in a few hours. Stressed and hopeless, I stroll into the Department of Family Services and ask their advice; "What does someone in my position do? I'm at the end of resources. Nothing seems to be happening." You know what they told me? "Don't try to find a job. Just relax and be patient and things will happen slowly. Work on one thing at a time. Like finding a place to live." Great idea! I've only heard it a thousand times, but for some reason hearing it again when you have nothing left to loose seems to make all the difference.

Now that I have been given validation for slowing down, I can feel hopeful again. Praying takes burdens away and Patience gives me discipline to stay motivated and continue what I need to do and not what I want to.
May 2006
 
Why is this so hard? My plan after treatment was to go into a recovery-based transitional housing. I had no idea that things could go so wrong. I didn't plan on having a back up because this was just the way things were going to happen. Following my track record, we were discharged from treatment a week before I could have graduated. I kept my spirits up and did everything I knew I would need to. We've been out three weeks now and seem to be acquiring less than we started with. The hope is gone. The prayers seem useless. I keep telling myself the serenity prayer. I have to force myself to have faith that things will work themselves out. We are going through all this for a reason. I never realized just how hard it is to find an apartment without a job... find a job without knowing where we are going to be living... keep my son in a familiar routine and environments. It breaks my heart when he says "Mommy? I want go home now. I don't like Mark's house.". Killer! I explain calmly, holding back tears, that we will go home but we have to find a new home. A home for just us. So for two weeks now, he has been asking to go to the new home. Where is that? I have bad credit, no one to co-sign, no pay-, no job, no money. The best feeling I have out of all this is the strength I learned in treatment. I no longer sulk in self-pity. I know now that our life depends on every decision I make. Every choice I feel is right. I also learned in treatment, that my best thinking got me here. I sit and think about what it is I need to change. Where has all my money gone? I have spent over $1500 in the three weeks I've been out. Most went to services and debts. We should have had plenty left over. www.craigslist.com has helped me more than anyone or thing I know. I have been able to post ads to help me find an apartment, employment and babysitters.